A few weeks ago a colleague and I bonded over discussing Rumi, the 13th Century Persian Poet-Scholar. She has been studying Rumi with members of her Persian community and I have been introduced to his writings and poetry through my personal study on Acceptance and Healing. We (and millions of others) were drawn to Rumi's words and poems because he captures the essence of emotions through several written gems. I call them gems because when I read them, they illuminate an experience in me that perhaps has been hiding under denial, pain, or masked by other emotions. Uncovering pain is also a gem to me because it highlights how much someone cares and how much their values mean to them.
Earlier this week, she lent me the book, "Silent Words" with hundreds of pages of poems and pieces by Rumi. I flipped through a few pages and found the following gem. "Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold." In the poem, Rumi is expressing his experience with doubting his wise friend and spiritual instructor, Shams. By doubting and challenging his wisdom, Rumi says, "Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold." It's that cringe-worthy memory that shows up any time you realize, "'so and so' told me this would happen. 'So and so' was so right about this and I didn't listen. The doctors told me this would happen, etc, etc." I'm sure we could come up with hundreds of scenarios that get triggered by this gem. "Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold." I swear, the more times I say it and write it out, the more powerful it becomes. Initially, this message was about self-sabotage and how at times, we create barriers for the life we want to live.
I define Self-Sabotage as engaging in behaviors or thoughts that move us away from our goals, values, happiness, progress and ultimately, well-being. Giving in to negative thoughts and core beliefs also contribute greatly to Self-Sabotage. What's important to know about giving in to deeply ingrained negative thoughts and core beliefs is that more times often than not, they are wildly inaccurate. We might have adopted a negative self view of ourselves as children or other painful experiences in which we might not have had a complete perspective, control, or facts and we internalize them as an absolute truth. Giving in to those thoughts and core beliefs takes away from our happiness. It's stealing from our own gold!
Self-Sabotage and "stealing from your own gold" is also behavioral. For me, it entails those times in which I overeat in an unhealthy way. It entails crossing my own boundaries, such as overworking, over-committing, procrastination, or convincing myself that I don't need exercise or a day off. I think any fellow workaholic can relate to this.
For others it might be not following a medication regimen, skipping out on doctor appointments, not meeting deadlines, or poor work performance. It means doing things that get in the way of self-care, progress or happiness.
The role of self-sabotage in relationships can be significant. It might look like an inability in trusting others (who are safe to trust), engaging in inappropriate, unbalanced or unhealthy relationships, having unhealthy boundaries, or even avoiding connections.
Stealing from your own gold also encompasses suppressing or over acting on emotions in an ineffective way, which can cause problems in your work, school, or home life. This might look like yelling or lashing out in the workplace; threatening others; not asking for help; or having unfair expectations of others -- including loved ones co-workers, teachers, or the general public. Engaging in such behaviors can cause problems for us in reaching our goals. It can impede 1) having a good relationship with our child's teacher; 2) being evaluated well in our performance evaluations; 3) having a serene home environment.
One of my favorite sources of research and inspiration is this little cataloging website called Pinterest.com. When I did a search for self-sabotage it pulled up an overwhelming selection of quotes and messages. Among the best in describing self-sabotage were:
"Don't stand in your own way."
"Get off your but."
"Self-sabotage is about wanting something so bad and making sure it doesn't happen."
"She didn't know who would leave or stay. So she pushed them all away."
"I'm afraid of what I'm doing to myself, but I can't seem to stop."
"Stop hurting yourself because you are angry at someone else."
"Do not sabotage your new relationship with your old relationship's poison."
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
I wrote the top part of this blog article 7 years ago. I decided to edit the ending because it just didn't resonate with me anymore. After doing lots of healing work within myself and connecting with my ancestors and practicing from a more holistic place, I had to edit and change the rest of this piece.
Impressive and overwhelming list of quotes right? I know. They resonate with a feeling of dis-control that's linked to hurtful experiences, and actions that we engaged in. I know. But here's the thing, the more I sat with this as a topic, self-sabotage just didn't really feel right anymore. It felt self-blaming. And no-where in my pinterest research (lol) was there anything about the BIPOC experience, or how racial trauma contributes to "self-sabotage" or rather, self-doubt. Some people call it Imposter Syndrome. Some call it "Colonizer mentality." Naming this as self-sabotage really is victim blaming and doesn't take into account whose voice, values, ethos, philosophy it actually is that we listen to and they defeat us and our efforts at acting in alignment with our values.
Regardless of the name we give it, I want us to address being there for ourselves and the life we want to have with compassion and tenderness.
Below is a list of different recommendations and techniques that I have found to be extremely helpful in identifying self-sabotage and chipping away at it. By no means do I think that these are easy tasks. You should know that it can be a painful process in the beginning, especially if hurtful memories or trauma comes up for you. And some days might be better than others for you to be able to turn this cycle in the opposite direction.
Breaking the power of those internal voices that impede us from seeing and using our gold. Here are some strategies you can try:
Being able to identify whose voice it is, is a pivotal first step in making a change. Observe the negative thoughts that are going through your mind. You can write them down if you want. Think about those one-liners that go through your mind as soon as you decide to go in the direction AWAY from your goal. What are you saying to yourself, about yourself, about others, the situation, the future?
Are they even your thoughts? Who do they belong to? Society? Family? The patriarchy? Some white, capitalistic philosophy we're subscribing to? Challenge or evaluate these thoughts, values, or criticism. Are you being unfair with yourself given everything you've been through? What would you be saying to yourself if you were being kinder? Or better, what would you tell someone close and who you love if they were in your shoes? Is the thought related to a fact? If it is, evaluate how HELPFUL or USEFUL the this thought or fact is in your life? Just because it might be true, does not mean you have to adopt it and live your life according to it moving forward. Write the new, more positive, true and feel-good thoughts on a card, write in on your Notes app, or take a picture of it and look at it repeatedly for daily reminders. Make a pinterest board out of them (I swear, I'm not affiliated or get paid by Pinterest).
Identify the behaviors you would like to be doing. For example, maybe you'd like to write more (trust me, we could use your genius).
Make a commitment to doing one thing, one action that's in the direction of your goal. Even if it's small. In fact, the smaller, the better because it's more likely to be attainable. Keeping with the writing example, if you want to write more, start small by setting a timer and writing for 5 minutes.
These are small, yet meaningful steps that you can take to break the Cycle of "Colonizer Mentality" (I'm going to keep using this). Self-Compassion thoughts go a long way in being tender with ourselves when in the throes of the cycle. Here are some I can offer from my heart to yours:
I know it's hard when you're feeling defeated.
Colonizer mentality was meant to defeat us and force our sights away from our gold.
There is room for your grief and your joy, hermosa/o/x.
May you feel moments of tenderness toward yourself right when you need it the most.
Everything is temporary. Even this uncertainty and pain.
May you find your gold and allow it to shine.